It takes so long — decades! — just to figure out the smallest, most necessary things. It’s taken me forty years to still not understand how to get along. Not just with people, but much more generally. People are just so awful that I’ve given up. (Okay, there’s my boyfriend, Mike, who has the biggest heart of anyone in the world. And who truly loves people. So it isn’t like I’m not around anyone, but they’re all his friends, and a lot of the time I’m just so tired that I can’t deal with having them around. Then there’s my ex boyfriend, Bill, who is still my best friend, but he lives very far away. And my sister and parents also have huge hearts but they’re extremely reticent and reclusive, like I am.)

You spend nearly a lifetime going to school, but what do you learn? How to think about literary ideas and write papers on them. That’s not bad, I guess. It’s pretty interesting. It’s good to learn to think. But it just leaves out so much that you’re somehow supposed to pick up on your own, from the ether. Like how do you tolerate intolerable situations? How do you put up with a life of constant disappointment and befuddlement and still carry on, survive, have fun, love, hate, ignore, deny, accomplish? Some people seem to have a natural aptitude for optimism and perseverance. Is that something you can learn? It seems that the most useful survival skill is the ability to tolerate crap. If you can do that, you can live with your terrible job, you can deflect difficult people — in short, you can carry on. But if you don’t have that skill, can you get it? Does it just spring forth out of necessity?

The inspiration that we are offered as students and kids is to not tolerate or bow down, but to speak up and be heard. Everyone who has accomplished something amazing has done just that. But most of us are destined just to survive; it’s a mathematical certainty. And if we don’t have it in us to lead a revolution or create a great masterpiece, all that being openly defiant will get us is in a lot of trouble — very often stupid, pointless trouble.

I’m usually pretty quiet and unassuming, but petty injustice wielded just to willfully abuse a position of power makes my blood boil. And my blood boils pretty easily, hence my aforementioned inability to get along. Once (okay, one time of many) I yelled at a professor who was trying to give me some high-handed bullshit about needing his approval for a course waiver that I clearly qualified for. A few days later, I was on that same hall, and a secretary called me into her workspace. I thought she was going to rebuke me for having made a scene; instead, she thanked me! Everybody hated that guy, most of all the people who had to work under him every day. And he had no choice but sign my course waiver, since he couldn’t go against department policy. So that was one small victory; it usually doesn’t turn out that way.

The world is in a terrible way. It would be so good to be able to do one small thing to make it better. But what? I used to be even more incapable than I am now to look at political and social issues without becoming so upset that it was paralyzing. I couldn’t understand how people in power could do such terrible, dastardly things. And if you listen to mainstream rhetoric, it offers no explanations. It’s full of platitudes, incorrect assumptions, and enormous gaps in facts and logic. Radical critiques of society make so much more sense, cut through the bullshit, but you have to go find them, dig them out, and study them. And initially, when I first came across radical ideas, they seemed to be out of touch with the assumptions that, in spite of myself, I had absorbed from mainstream culture, so they seemed a little suspect, as they do to so many. I somewhat believed the notion, as absurd as that seems to me now, that politicians, though self serving, were more or less trying to do the right thing: so why did they always, invariably, fail so badly? Of course, the only sensible explanation is that they are in fact not trying to do the right thing, and that they are not failing but perfectly succeeding in accomplishing their aims: enriching themselves and their wealthy cronies, and consolidating their own power.

But what can I do about it? Actually, nothing that I can think of. I know that sounds ridiculously defeatist, especially to any activist. Arundhati Roy was recently quoted as saying, “The philosophy that I believe in is, I’m not doing something in order to win. I know people who go out to do their stuff every day knowing that the chances of anything happening are not very high. But if you’re involved in something on a real basis, as opposed to just conceptually — if you look at the anti-dam movement, sure the dams are getting built, but there’s a whole different attitude of people involved in the struggle…. Those are huge victories.”

Although I don’t believe in placing anyone on a pedestal, and I believe she has been accused by some of grandstanding, Arundhati Roy is nevertheless an amazing person: active, intelligent, articulate, unstoppable. I am none of those things, except maybe articulate, which is fine for me and the five of you who are reading this. I don’t have the ability to write a book that could change people’s perceptions, nor do I have the knowledge. I could conceivably acquire the necessary knowledge, except that I don’t have the physical strength to take on such a task, neither the researching nor the writing of a lengthy volume. I have even less ability to get involved in an actual struggle, which requires a level of energy that I just don’t have and the aplomb to deal with difficult people and situations, a skill that completely escapes me. [And, obviously, I’m very good at coming up with excuses.]

Most of the time, I’m just quivering, fretting, wondering what to do next with my day, facing a mountain of dishes and piles of hair and lint collecting in every corner of every room and not even doing anything about that. And I’m just so tired. I have no way of knowing what would be different with my life if I wasn’t sick and exhausted all the time. But unless I want to make excuses I have to assume that everything would be exactly the same, that I would still be cowardly, inept, lost in a general funk, and would never do anything.

A few years ago, I actually was involved in an activist center, though I steered clear of doing anything that could get me into any kind of serious trouble. Mostly, I took on working for Food Not Bombs, which was one of the center’s activities, and volunteering to do general shitwork around the place. There was a certain wonderfulness about the people who gravitated toward the space, a warm, kind of gritty camaraderie, especially with the youngest volunteers, many of them kids in their teens or very early twenties, but mostly people drifted in and then away again, and the core group that always remained was the nasty tyrant who ran the place and a couple of his henchmen. Dealing with them was okay as long as I kept my mouth shut, worked, and didn’t complain. But when I thought of making a suggestion which at the time seemed very mild (it had to do with how phone calls into the center were routed) I was hit with such terrifying venom and cruelty that I had no choice but to leave and never come back. Entrenched power, even on such a petty scale, is so difficult to challenge — and this particular individual was actually scary — that everyone sided against me, and blamed me for having been attacked.

That happened three years ago, but it left such a bitter taste in my mouth that I will never become involved in an activist group again. Period.

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[ Since the comments to this post no longer display on the old blog, I’m reposting them here: ]

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interesting post. i can empathize with your frustration with how to fix the system. so much is entrenched and some days it feels like everybody is low on energy.
pearl | Email | Homepage | 08.24.04 - 11:41 am | #

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I understand the push and pull one sometimes have towards people. It is a continual occilation we often go through, asserting our individuality through isolation and seeking companionship (socialbility) are often conflicting, but best to see them as cyclical. Expectations unfulfilled, whether ours or others, often sour the spirit and makes us more cynical. No use denying these inclinations, but they are not set in stone.

“Some people seem to have a natural aptitude for optimism and perseverance.” - These people have FAITH. Yes, I said it. Faith. One can have faith without clinging to a God concept. It is an acceptance that the future will take care of itself. Faith in oneself is confidence. Faith in others is trust. While I often criticise organized hierarchial religion, I feel its important to find one’s spirituality. I personally like Taoism although I don’t label myself TaoIST. Its an interesting take on life.
APerson | 08.24.04 - 12:58 pm | #

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The revolution must begin in the hearts and minds of individuals. Although I also find Roy’s writings interesting, it doesn’t mean we have to elevate her to some sort of great status. She is a person that has a certain talent, just like all of us. Just a person. Like you and me.

“The world is in a terrible way. It would be so good to be able to do one small thing to make it better. But what? I used to be even more incapable than I am now to look at political and social issues without becoming so upset that it was paralyzing.” - I hear you here. Sometimes I think that the world is going to shit, so why bother. But I believe more and more are looking at the world and questioning. Maybe not quite ready to acknowedge the profound problems, but they sense something is not right with the current systems. Watch South America.
APerson | 08.24.04 - 12:59 pm | #

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“I am none of those things, except maybe articulate, which is fine for me and the five of you who are reading this. I don’t have the ability to write a book that could change people’s perceptions, nor do I have the knowledge.” It is likely you already have a book in your hand that just needs some restructuring, with your blog logs. Why not try writing a “Table of Contents” just for fun? The only thing you need to do is share your perception, and minds may change or at the very least want to learn more. I don’t believe a person just “flips” perspectives. It must start with questioning their social conditioning.
APerson | 08.24.04 - 1:00 pm | #

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Writing your feelings and thoughts in a public blog is anything but cowardly. I don’t see how you are inept, I fully understand your writing and find it interesting. Im sure many others would find it interesting as well. Some will not. Some will hate it. So be it.

You can do what you enjoy and share it with others and the future will take care of itself. Remember that it never truly comes.

P.S: Phew.. four posts! Keep the faith!
APerson | 08.24.04 - 1:01 pm | #

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Yeah, people bug me, but my own epiphany came when I read Ann Frank’s diary for the fifth or sixth time and these words finally caught me, “In spite of everything, I still believe that peole are really good at heart.” Just the fact that she was able to write those words, at least in my mind, makes them true.
Velma Biggers | 08.24.04 - 7:34 pm | #

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As someone who’s had some brief dealings with you directly–but yes, I’m going to keep this anonymous–I have to say that you are being remarkably un-self-aware and hypocritical when you expound these views.

You are very good at spouting off the way someone is supposed to behave in interpersonal relations and amidst conflict, but you (at least when I’ve had occasion to deal with you directly or watch you interact with others) seem to have no problem being incredibly arrogant, combative, and vicious. Far, far from the compassionate stance and victimc role you seem to be imagining yourself as filling.

Bad news, but you are not the wise, put-upon, kindly acting person you seem to be dreaming yourself up as.
other view | 08.25.04 - 11:35 pm | #

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Pearl, APerson, and Velma,
Thanks for your insights. Wow, you’ve given me so much to think about that I don’t really know how to respond. I’ve been mulling it over and I think I just have to give it more thought, and maybe respond more thoroughly in another blog entry after I’ve thought it through.

And, “other view,”
I don’t know what post you’ve been reading, but nowhere here do I say or imply that I am wise, compassionate, or kindly. I think what I said is that I am angry, bitter, defeated, cowardly, and have a tendency to fly off the handle with little provocation — but, I think, with plenty of good reason. The world sucks and you are one of the people who make it that way if you think that writing nasty, anonymous comments on a blog makes any kind of sense. If you think I’m such an asshole, why do you waste your time reading my blog? Whoever you are, you’re a fucking asshole. How’s that for arrogant, combative, and vicious?
asfo_del | Email | Homepage | 08.26.04 - 1:55 am | #

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[other view was flamebaiting. It’s kind of funny to see the scorched hair, tho Fear asfo_del, you rascal, and stay anonymous lest the Living on Less brigade find you and wreak terrible vengeance!]

What an essay that was, asfo_del. It pierced my mind and summed up something I’d tried, but failed, to explain to people I need to have an understanding of what’s gone wrong. Thank you for recounting so much. I learn best from the personal histories of *real* people, not the paragons or those who have been made into paragons.
Harry | Homepage | 08.26.04 - 4:16 am | #

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I thought this post was excellent. This post and “Current Events Pass, Conditions Stay the Same” from the 15th really struck me, really put into words feelings I have but can never identify other than to feel a vague sense of guilt over. Your words really helped me recognize my feelings and realizing that those feelings are occuring within and as a result of a specific context really helps alleviate the guilt.

I really value your posts and hope that you keep writing them.
Sarah | Email | Homepage | 08.26.04 - 6:03 pm | #

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What do you think about Jesus? “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest…”
Brenda | Email | 08.27.04 - 8:49 am | #

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Wow, you guys are so great. Thanks to everyone for writing in. [Uhm … maybe not everyone…] And thanks for putting up with my diatribe.
asfo_del | Email | Homepage | 08.27.04 - 11:11 pm | #

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Asfo_del…I feel like I have met a new friend (in a very surreal - and, yes, I am saying it too, spiritual -context)I only just found your site a few minutes ago and have only read the two most recent entries. But I am struck by the wonderful strangeness of reading what could be my own thoughts -except much more articulate than I could ever hope to be. I just had to stop reading and tell you, I for one would buy a book after reading this one segment on the book’s back cover. I agree with APerson, this would be exactly the kind of book we need in order to get more people thinking. The “big picture” is so overwhelming for so many of us - but it will be the knowledge that we are not alone in thinking so that will bring us together. We need people like you to keep writing. Keep speaking.
mama_zebra | Email | Homepage | 08.29.04 - 11:33 am | #

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mama_zebra,
Thanks so much for your words. I do think that there could be more inspiration and encouragement engendered if more of the people who write books and articles would admit their failings — which is sometimes the case, but usually in a kind of sneaky way that actually makes the writer seem superior — instead of giving the impression that their accomplishments somehow sprung forth effortlessly. I think we may all just be trying to figure it out and not really ever succeeding.
asfo_del | Email | Homepage | 08.31.04 - 12:47 am | #

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I, also, have had dealings with you, and I will have to agree that yes, you can be a mean, vicious person.

You come off as being victimized by the world, your health, anarchists (fill in the blank here), etc., yet you terrorize those who disagree with you, and (especially) those you feel have rejected you. I have seen this first hand. And I am not the only one.
The reason I (and I suspect) the person above ) chose to stay anonymous is precisely because we know the kind of irrational tirades you carry on towards those dare to challenge you.
You may argue that you were attacked, but I know that it was the opposite. You terrorized (posing both a verbal and physical threat) more than a few individuals and lashed out violently at those who did not take your side. You have consistently slandered Food Not Bombs because of a personal problem you had with one individual.
Give it up, get a life.
Anonymous | 09.01.04 - 1:09 pm | #

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Posing a verbal and physical threat? What in fuck’s name? I’ve never been a threat to anyone, that’s why I was such an easy target for attack. Unless it’s a threat to propose that the board oversee the organization’s finances, as is legally required. It sucks that the people you terrorize don’t always have the decency to just lie down and die. Which I have done, just not quickly enough for tyrants who expect instant falling into line. When you perpetrate cruelty, the least you can expect is that you will be yelled back at. But your own self-importance can’t tolerate even that much.
I have never slandered FNB. I worked my ass off for FNB. It sucks that there was one person who made it hard, but I don’t blame him. It was the atmosphere of terror perpetrated by the ruling cabal that was to blame, and I unwittingly became one of its henchmen.
It’s not enough for you that I completely withdrew. You still have to fuck with me by posting anonymous little barbs. Who needs to get
asfo_del | Email | Homepage | 09.02.04 - 3:57 pm | #

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[cont.] a life?

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These anonymous posters are not carrying this off at all well. In order to have credibility, you must have a face of some sort, a presence other than harsh rhetoric left anonymously on a weblog. As things stand, the accusing comments might as well be coming from kooks and trolls.

The reality is asfo_del presents no threat to anyone and generously maintains fine learning space here and on a companion site.
Harry | Homepage | 09.02.04 - 8:33 pm | #

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Thanks for your support, Harry. These comments come out of a tedious, disheartening set of events. What amazes me is the degree of neuroticism and loserdom that would urge someone to continue kicking the person they have thoroughly defeated and who has completely withdrawn from their lives over three years ago. I myself don’t visit the web sites of people I hate.
asfo_del | Email | Homepage | 09.03.04 - 10:04 am | #

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I wonder if Harry would be singing the same tune if he had witnessed you throwing that chair, nearly hitting two people. All because someone dared to disagree with you. Nobody is kicking you, just correcting some of the lies you have been telling about organizations that have done nothing to you except disagree with you. It is three years later and still you go on and on about Food Not Bombs. You may fool your on-line fan club but they have never seen your irrational behavior in action.
Anonymous | 09.04.04 - 1:00 pm | #

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I have absolutely never thrown a chair. I have heard this lie before, and it is utterly disgusting. Someone did not *disagree* with me, someone attacked me with the most appalling viciousness and cruelty. Someone who is such a despicable, disgusting human being that he and his cronies cannot leave me alone even 3 years after they have completely won the effort to defeat me and pummel my corpse. Admitting defeat and admitting to having been a victim is nothing to be proud of. Why would I say it if it weren’t the truth? If you will recall, the outcome of the particular meeing that yOU are referring to was a VOTE that *his* behavior, not mine, was UNACCEPTABLE.
asfo_del | Email | Homepage | 09.04.04 - 4:36 pm |

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[The following was too long to fit in the comments and was submitted as a guest entry to the blog instead. It is still displayed on the old blog, here. ]

September 7, 2004 Guest Entry

[Guest: “Been Around”]

[In reference to comments left on the Aug. 24 blog entry.]

I too wonder why the harsh and attacking tone toward asfo_del three years after the fact? Even assuming there was ‘bad behavior’ by asfo_del (and personally I see no reason to not believe her when she says she did not throw a chair–the only actual act alluded to by anonymous), and she was ‘irrational’ or whatever,–it seems to me that if the poster who puts her down was really well-meaning, he would be more interested in gently probing for her reasons–especially with the mellowing effect of the passage of time–rather than in recreating the atmosphere of harsh accusations that must have prevailed at that time.

Another explanation occurs to me: some people in anti-authoritarian scenes get in the habit of making scapegoats of people who have some very slight authority and on whom they can vent anger that they have toward authority figures in earlier parts of their lives (like their parents) or on whom they can just take out their present frustrations. Women make especially good scapegoats for these purposes as they are often more vulnerable, including to being stereotyped, crazy-baited etc. (the use of the accusation of ‘irrational behavior’ is a dead give-away here–and when, by the way, did anarchists adopt ‘rationalism’ as their highest value?) These female scapegoats usually don’t have the real power in an organization–but people who are afraid to take on those who really do have this power, can demonize the ‘henchman’ instead, and vent their rage without much consequence.

The person who attacks you, asfo_del, obviously has a vested interest in holding on to the mental configuration of blaming you for whatever. I would guess that doing this fulfilled a psychic need for him at the time and he still needs to hold onto whatever twisted satisfaction he originally got from demonizing you. Perhaps he took a leading role in the attacks on you and feels a need to justify his past behavior, so he keeps on attacking you now. And perhaps this is why the idea that you may have sympathizers who are reading your blog, fills him with rage–so he sneeringly refers to them as your ‘fan club’.

I strongly urge you to try to see this attack and others like it as part some combination of the unfortunate dynamics described above–which can also become a ‘group dynamic’ (resulting in little ‘gangs’ that attack anyone who is ‘it’, especially if they attempt to make waves by trying to change anything). This might help you to de-personalize it as much as possible–although I know this can only go so far in dealing with the pain of having worked for years (for free!) for an institution whose members were at best insensitive to you and at worst, truly vicious.

There are so many stories like this in our counter-culture! I wonder when people in alternative / idealistic scenes will stop doing this sort of thing to each other.

I wish you could have had more support at the time.

–A Friend